Type 1 diabetes journey part 2

In part 1 of this post I mentioned that Peyton was getting her insulin pump.   She has now had it for 6 months and we have gotten used to it pretty well.   I am pleased with the freedom it brings her and the fact that she doesn't need 4 shots a day.   What I have been disappointed in is the lack of control over her blood sugars.   The aprn that we see at Endocrinology assured me that things will level out.   She is certain that her "honeymoon" phase is over (this means her pancreas is no longer producing any insulin hence the reason for her higher blood sugars and resultant a1c).  She has modified her diet some but I do allow her some treats much to my mother's annoyance (she thinks she shouldn't be allowed anything but to restrict her too much is just asking for her to rebel and make things worse) but because her a1c was so high this last visit we opted not to go trick or treating.   Having all that candy in the house was just too much of a temptation.   We went back to endo today and her a1c had gone down a little bit so we are going in the right direction.   We made a few more adjustments to her insulin and we are hopeful that things will get even better.   It was encouraging to hear the nurse say it wasn't anything we were doing or not doing because I was so disappointed to see her a1c so high. Of course there's a certain amount of guilt associated there too even tho I knew we were doing everything by the book.  As her mom and sole caretaker it is my job to ensure she is well cared for.   To protect her and keep her healthy.  To not have that control over this disease feels like a failure on my part.   As unreasonable as it may be the guilt is there just the same.   I've been finding myself waking up at all hours of the night just to check on her like I did when she first came into the world just to make sure she is still breathing.   Then she will check her sugar and go back to bed.   I am getting so paranoid but I know this child has a purpose on this planet.  She is destined for greatness (i know every parent feels this way but when you have multiple school teachers say the same thing one tends to believe it) and I will do anything I can to help her achieve those goals.   Who knows maybe she will be the one to find a cure for this disease.   :)  I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming.

I am human, love me or hate me

Its been a while since I've blogged but this subject is something that means a lot to me and is somewhat related to the last one.  In life we have all manner of relationships- lovers, family, parent/child & working   All of these types of relationships are different- feel different and mean different things to different people.  The one thing that all these relationships need in order to thrive is communication- people are too afraid to voice their feelings, and issues never get resolved.  I have learned that one big reason for this is because at some point or another in life we have all been victim to the energy vampire, someone who thrives on drama to make themselves the victim.  This makes the rest of us afraid of conflict or drama so we keep quiet and stew and let negative feelings brew until we either explode or implode.  I am the kind of person who, I would rather someone come to me and express how I've made them feel (whether positive or negative) so that we can work on things from there and build a positive relationship.  If I don't know I've hurt someone how can I fix it?  I don't ever intentionally set out to hurt anyone but that's not to say I'm perfect either, I'm not by any stretch and I try to be good to people but... I am human like everyone else and I make mistakes.  I think if everyone were more open to discussing how they feel to each other and more open to receiving this message (rather than being on the defensive) I think the world would be so much more peaceful. Unfortunately you don't always know who is approachable this way.  I feel this is related to my last post because when I was in this situation I did not feel that I could approach this person without possibly alienating someone else that I care a great deal for.  Like I said in my last post this has been brewing but here it is almost a year later and just thinking about the situation upsets me.  What it all boils down to is people need to be more real, more transparent and more approachable when it comes to their relationships and how they feel.  I can honestly say that this is probably the root of where my marriage failed (on both sides).  My ex-husband may be a lot of things but he was not alone in the lack of communication department.  After being divorced almost 8 years and being alone for the majority of that time I have truly grown and learned a lot about relationships (ironic huh?  it took me being alone and comfortable in my oneness to learn these things LOL) and most especially how I have grown as a person, a woman, and a mother.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes with my kids.  My house is far from spotless, some weekends we don't do fun things and I let the kids have at their video games from dawn to dusk because hey we all need down time.  But now that I am 40, I can honestly say I have made all the big mistakes that I could make and learned from them.  I communicate openly and honestly especially with my children and I encourage them to do the same and I make myself approachable to them.  Peyton is very closed and never likes to share how she is feeling and that is something we are working on.  I have learned however, to read her body language and when she is being overly aggressive or antagonistic to her brother I know she needs more praise and love from mom for the good things she does (which are many) and ignore the negative behavior as much as possible.   I have also learned from my parents mistakes and shortcomings just as I'm sure my kids will learn from mine (at least that is my hope).  I try everyday to not be too critical, to accept them for the individuals they are.  To not expect them to be carbon copies of me.  I am approachable to them so that if they feel that my shortcomings are becoming a problem for them they can voice their feelings to me about them without my defenses rising to the surface.  I try to guide them gently to make decisions for themselves and if they are making a choice that I feel may not be for the best I ask them to think about it and say, "Do you really think that is the best choice you can make here?".  Most of the time they end up making the better choice, when those times come that they don't, they learn that they have consequences as a result of it.  I am truly proud of the people they are becoming and of the person that I have become since having them in my life.  While there are always things about me that I can improve on the outside, it is the inside where I have really grown and learned the most.  I have learned self-respect, self-love and to not settle for less than what I deserve out of life.