Type 1 diabetes journey part 2

In part 1 of this post I mentioned that Peyton was getting her insulin pump.   She has now had it for 6 months and we have gotten used to it pretty well.   I am pleased with the freedom it brings her and the fact that she doesn't need 4 shots a day.   What I have been disappointed in is the lack of control over her blood sugars.   The aprn that we see at Endocrinology assured me that things will level out.   She is certain that her "honeymoon" phase is over (this means her pancreas is no longer producing any insulin hence the reason for her higher blood sugars and resultant a1c).  She has modified her diet some but I do allow her some treats much to my mother's annoyance (she thinks she shouldn't be allowed anything but to restrict her too much is just asking for her to rebel and make things worse) but because her a1c was so high this last visit we opted not to go trick or treating.   Having all that candy in the house was just too much of a temptation.   We went back to endo today and her a1c had gone down a little bit so we are going in the right direction.   We made a few more adjustments to her insulin and we are hopeful that things will get even better.   It was encouraging to hear the nurse say it wasn't anything we were doing or not doing because I was so disappointed to see her a1c so high. Of course there's a certain amount of guilt associated there too even tho I knew we were doing everything by the book.  As her mom and sole caretaker it is my job to ensure she is well cared for.   To protect her and keep her healthy.  To not have that control over this disease feels like a failure on my part.   As unreasonable as it may be the guilt is there just the same.   I've been finding myself waking up at all hours of the night just to check on her like I did when she first came into the world just to make sure she is still breathing.   Then she will check her sugar and go back to bed.   I am getting so paranoid but I know this child has a purpose on this planet.  She is destined for greatness (i know every parent feels this way but when you have multiple school teachers say the same thing one tends to believe it) and I will do anything I can to help her achieve those goals.   Who knows maybe she will be the one to find a cure for this disease.   :)  I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming.

I am human, love me or hate me

Its been a while since I've blogged but this subject is something that means a lot to me and is somewhat related to the last one.  In life we have all manner of relationships- lovers, family, parent/child & working   All of these types of relationships are different- feel different and mean different things to different people.  The one thing that all these relationships need in order to thrive is communication- people are too afraid to voice their feelings, and issues never get resolved.  I have learned that one big reason for this is because at some point or another in life we have all been victim to the energy vampire, someone who thrives on drama to make themselves the victim.  This makes the rest of us afraid of conflict or drama so we keep quiet and stew and let negative feelings brew until we either explode or implode.  I am the kind of person who, I would rather someone come to me and express how I've made them feel (whether positive or negative) so that we can work on things from there and build a positive relationship.  If I don't know I've hurt someone how can I fix it?  I don't ever intentionally set out to hurt anyone but that's not to say I'm perfect either, I'm not by any stretch and I try to be good to people but... I am human like everyone else and I make mistakes.  I think if everyone were more open to discussing how they feel to each other and more open to receiving this message (rather than being on the defensive) I think the world would be so much more peaceful. Unfortunately you don't always know who is approachable this way.  I feel this is related to my last post because when I was in this situation I did not feel that I could approach this person without possibly alienating someone else that I care a great deal for.  Like I said in my last post this has been brewing but here it is almost a year later and just thinking about the situation upsets me.  What it all boils down to is people need to be more real, more transparent and more approachable when it comes to their relationships and how they feel.  I can honestly say that this is probably the root of where my marriage failed (on both sides).  My ex-husband may be a lot of things but he was not alone in the lack of communication department.  After being divorced almost 8 years and being alone for the majority of that time I have truly grown and learned a lot about relationships (ironic huh?  it took me being alone and comfortable in my oneness to learn these things LOL) and most especially how I have grown as a person, a woman, and a mother.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes with my kids.  My house is far from spotless, some weekends we don't do fun things and I let the kids have at their video games from dawn to dusk because hey we all need down time.  But now that I am 40, I can honestly say I have made all the big mistakes that I could make and learned from them.  I communicate openly and honestly especially with my children and I encourage them to do the same and I make myself approachable to them.  Peyton is very closed and never likes to share how she is feeling and that is something we are working on.  I have learned however, to read her body language and when she is being overly aggressive or antagonistic to her brother I know she needs more praise and love from mom for the good things she does (which are many) and ignore the negative behavior as much as possible.   I have also learned from my parents mistakes and shortcomings just as I'm sure my kids will learn from mine (at least that is my hope).  I try everyday to not be too critical, to accept them for the individuals they are.  To not expect them to be carbon copies of me.  I am approachable to them so that if they feel that my shortcomings are becoming a problem for them they can voice their feelings to me about them without my defenses rising to the surface.  I try to guide them gently to make decisions for themselves and if they are making a choice that I feel may not be for the best I ask them to think about it and say, "Do you really think that is the best choice you can make here?".  Most of the time they end up making the better choice, when those times come that they don't, they learn that they have consequences as a result of it.  I am truly proud of the people they are becoming and of the person that I have become since having them in my life.  While there are always things about me that I can improve on the outside, it is the inside where I have really grown and learned the most.  I have learned self-respect, self-love and to not settle for less than what I deserve out of life.  

Whats with all the negativity!!!

We've all been in those situations where you are with another person whose life is soo much "better", they have it all "together" right (according to them)? So much so that they feel the need to pick apart your life and tell you everything you are doing wrong, which according to them is, of course, EVERYTHING! I was in this exact situation a number of months ago and it has plagued me ever since. I know I should have said something right then and there but 1) I have never been good at standing up for myself, when I do it comes out as an attack. I tend to think from my heart instead of my head and tact tends to fly out the window (not that this person was using any) 2) Had that happened it would have risked alienating other people in my life and that just wasn't worth it to me. So instead I kept the peace and have been obsessing over it and getting furious over it and trying to figure out how it is that I became this person's target. Its gotten to the point where it even woke me up at 3am this morning giving me an anxiety attack. I have known this person for a very long time and for her to criticize me for everything that she did really upset me. It took a long time for me to get back to sleep this morning thinking about it and getting over my anger over this person. It especially upset me that she was criticizing my parenting. Then I got to thinking about it. I was perusing facebook and among all the funny pictures and friend status' I saw this, "Don't worry about what other pople say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life." it then occured to me that during that weekend that I was listening to this persons negative feedback I was also watching my children and my interaction with them. My children were very well behaved, they did not act out and they did everything they were told. They were polite and respectful to all the adults and they were clean and friendly. To me this is a success, not something worthy of another persons criticism. To me this says that this person is too afraid to hold the mirror up to her own face so she has to project her own image onto someone she views as weaker. After this self reflection I do feel better about myself especially as a parent. I am going to limit my exposure to this person as I don't deserve this treatment but I hope that in the future I will have the strength to open my mouth and say something to put her in her place where she belongs.

ASD continued...

So my son and I are on the road to getting him the help that he needs.  Above and beyond his weekly therapy sessions.  He started his PHP program today and he really seemed to enjoy it.  Wednesday he starts at his new school in a smaller class.  PHP means less time at home and I'm really going to miss him but I know that he needs it and maybe he and I will start getting along better.  He is so angry all the time and I just dont know why. It could be a multiple of things.  I dont think its at me though, I think I'm just an easy target because he knows I wont give up on him, I wont leave him.  Its still tough though.  Typical discipline dosen't work so i've had to be creative and try to stay positive but I do snap at times.  I am so hopeful that he snaps out of this soon and becomes the loving, sweet kid I know he is.

Type 1 diabetes journey

Over labor day weekend 2012 my daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes after she was hospitalized with diabetic ketoacidosis.  In the 7 months since her diagnosis we have learned so much about this condition and the what to do and no to do's.  One of the biggest things we have learned not to do is to listen to everyone around us.  Some people say it isnt ok to snack others say it is fine as long as you cover the carbs with insulin... blah blah blah.  My philosophy is follow the doctors orders.  Thats what they get paid for and they arent going to steer us wrong.  I need to tune out the nay sayers, the people who keep trying to advise me on how to raise my diabetic daughter especially since they have never had to raise a diabetic themselves.   One person in particular keeps thinking that my daughter needs to be deprived of things she likes in order to stay healthy and no matter how much I tell her otherwise she refuses to hear me.  It has gotten to point where the two children are not treated equally and my daughter is resenting it.  To deprive a diabetic child of the things they like is to leave them open to sneaking those exact things and to rebel, thus being counter productive to being healthy in the long run.  If you treat these things in moderation there is no reason why she cant have them on occasion. 

The craziest year ever

It all started in august 2011 when my dad went in the hospital for heart surgery and things have just gone downhill from there.  I wont go into all the gory details only because 1) this would just end up being a longer than needed blog and 2) im not a woe is me type of person and am determined to keep it that way.  But needless to say it has been the year and a half from hell.  During this time I have held it all together and remained strong for everyone around me and now that things are finally settling down I am falling to pieces over it all.  I can honestly say I have never been such a mess.  This weekend though I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Some hope.  I am hesitant about hope though, it is a funny thing, because the minute I start allowing myself to hope for something I really want something else comes along to sweep it out from under me.  I know, pesimissism,  not my usual style.  But given my recent history who can blame me.  I find that few days or weeks of peace then WHAM something else happens.  But heres the thing, this week I have found that after a terrible week, the worst, then I found out my aspie son finally found some success on a new med, is getting more help for his issues and had a great day at school.  I may be in line for getting a bigger place in which , my son may now have his own room where he can have his own space, my daughter is getting her diabetes under control and getting her insulin pump (aka more freedom) in less then a month and both my children learned how to ride 2 wheelers today!  I am so proud of them!  2 kids who are usually happy sitting inside playing video games all day could barely be brought inside for lunch.  I actually forgot to give them their ADHD meds because they were using that energy constructively.  So I am allowing myself some hope, for peace and for these small success' because I'm finding that while I've  been so busy focusing on the negative things I'm afraid I've been letting some of these small victories pass me by.  My goal for the near future allow myself to hope and see the  negative things for what they really are just a learning step between victories.